Breaking Through the Weeds
On burnout, balance, and finding the humanity in the hustle.
Photo by Chris Tanner
Well, my chosen trail name “Mercury” has been super fitting lately, because it’s been a mercurial season filled with high highs and low lows. I’ve been juggling a lot of projects this season, and they all seemed to intersect at once in the last couple of weeks.
At one point, the pressure and impossibility of the large amount of to-do’s combined with the small amount of time became too much to bear. I bailed in the middle of a long run because my mind couldn’t stop lingering on all the things I had waiting for me back home. Then I promptly got a raging migraine, like my body was deciding for me, “Nahhh, we’re shutting this down.” And I ended up getting absolutely nothing done except for dressing like Alice in Wonderland and passing out candy to trick-or-treaters.
My friend Katie recently shared a nugget of wisdom on the Fastest Known Time podcast with Heather Anderson about her self-supported record on the Oregon Coast Trail, about how when you reach those lowest-of-low moments, more often than not it means you are on your way to breaking through. She said it in a much more eloquent way, but wow, I think she is so right. When you’re stretching yourself to your limits, it makes sense that things are going to be uncomfortable, hard, and maybe impossible.
I’ve been so in the weeds that it can be easy to look at each project as a ghoul looming over me at every moment. A task with a due date, and people counting on me to get it right. This is where I got it wrong–I was reducing projects that are otherwise creative, meaningful, or helpful to others, to things that needed to be completed–or else!!! I was forgetting the humanity of it all, the literal core of why I love collaborating and taking on all these cool projects in the first place.
In a nutshell, I’ve just been getting really in my head.
The past couple weeks particularly have had some awesome human moments. I got to attend the premiere of a song cycle that my friend Lena Lofquist commissioned me to compose, set to text that she wrote. I started and completed the song cycle within about a month after returning home from the PCT. Lena performed it at her graduating master’s recital with pianist Kevin Lubin on November 1st.
It’s always a bit surreal to hear music I wrote being performed, which they did so beautifully. The most “real” moments were getting to see and hear the audience’s responses, both in the moment and after the performance. For something that you’ve been living with for some time, to suddenly be out in the world–it’s a vulnerable thing, but so connecting too. It was also just really great to see friends and colleagues that I hadn’t seen since this spring. I miss my Longy community! I shared a clip from the final piece on Instagram here, and you can watch the whole thing starting at about 41:00 here.
Kevin, Lena, and me!
Then earlier this week I got to spend two days with filmmakers Anna Brannon and Emily Cameron for a documentary we’re making. This is a project we starting dreaming up over a year ago, and this week we wrapped up filming! It’s been quite a journey that we’ve all been in on together. I feel so fortunate to have gotten connected with Anna and Emily, and feel so inspired by the things they’re cooking up together. I’ll share more about the film and its release as it comes to fruition.
Anna, Emily, and me!
On the running front, I’ve had some wild ups and downs just in terms of how my body is feeling. I think it’s all part of the recovery process from the PCT. Some days I’ll feel light and bouncy, and other days my legs will just feel achey and trashed. I think I’m also more affected by stress (or lack thereof) than I realize. This was made apparent during a particularly jam-packed week. When I felt stressed and weight down by all the to-do’s, my body also felt stressed and weighed down. When I “made it through” to the other side, I felt like a weight as lifted off my shoulders–and then likewise, I felt like I was weightless and floating on my runs.
Overall though, I feel like I’ve been on the upswing with running, and that feels exciting. My long run is up to twenty miles, and my “tempo” (comfortably hard) pace this past week was in the 6:30-6:50/mile range! I’ve been consistent with strength training twice a week (something I haven’t made time for in years), and I’ve been reconnecting with my Pilates studio (Katona Pilates) in Portland, Oregon by taking virtual mat classes. My body has felt particularly stiff and crunchy since hiking the PCT, but I’m really starting to feel a noticeable shift with this consistent routine.
Overall, it feels like things are trending up–just not always in a straight and direct trajectory, and that’s okay. There’s a lot of newness to this season as I’m figuring out what life looks like as a freelance composer and pianist, directly on the heels of a big hike with a big goal.
In this coming month, some of my upcoming projects include performing André Jolivet’s Chant de Linos for flute and piano with Maria Bustos in Pickman Hall in Cambridge, MA on December 14th 3pm, and performing a set of original music two consecutive nights at Appalachian Mountain Club’s See the Dark Weekend on December 19-20 at the AMC Highland Center in Crawford Notch, NH. Please feel invited to both!
Then in January, I’ll race the 105 kilometer Corsa della Bora in Trieste, Italy–my first goal race since hiking the PCT.
💫
Thanks for reading and being part of my journey. If you’re picking up what I’m putting down, you can support Pink Feathers by sharing this letter, subscribing, and/or joining as a paid member. Paid members receive my deepest gratitude, exclusive posts, and occasional handwritten notes and surprises in the mail from me.
‘Til next week!
~Liz